"I Love You"

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers. However, we love each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only but by his side, there were so many other girls and gays. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just his partner…

“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.
“I can’t”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…”

He was always like that. He met girls in front of me like it was nothing. To him, I was just his partner. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till the 100th day… 200th day… Everyday before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday without fail. I don’t know why…

Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I…
Jin: What… Don’t drag, just say...
Me: I love you.
Jin: ...You... Um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day my 15th year old birthday arrived. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him. Hence I stayed at home in my room and waited for his call. Lunch passed... Dinner passed… And soon the sky was dark… He still didn’t call. I was already tired from looking at the phone for the whole day. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Jin…
Jin: Here… Take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what day is today?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt devastated, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shouted…

“Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him.
But he simply said, “I don’t want to say that I love someone so easily... If you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he… At that moment, I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…

After that day, I found myself stranded at home crying everyday. He didn’t call me even though I waited for his call. He continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… Everyday.

After a month, I pull myself together and went to school. But the pain resurfaced when I saw him on a street with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room. Tears fell… Why did he give these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls… In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him and this is going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.

Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn’t help hating himfor acting like nothing had happened and making a joke out of it. Soon, he held out the doll as usual to hand it over to me.
Me: I don’t need it.
Jin: What? Why?
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, he was shaking.
“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You are so stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!

But he ignored me and went to pick the doll. Then…
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me as he squatted down and picked up the doll.
“Jin, move!” HONK~!!
“Boom!” A terrifying sound rang through the whole neighborhood..
That’s how he left me. That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
Since that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and sadness of losing him.

After spending two months in despair, I took out the dolls. Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the number days when we were in love…

“One… Two… Three…” That was how I started to count the dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… Four hundred and eighty five…” It ended with 485 dolls.
I started to cry again with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly and then suddenly…

“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the doll in shock.
“I…. lo..ve… you??” I picked up the doll and pressed it's stomach.
“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls on their stomachs.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”

Those words came out non-stop. I… love you… Why didn’t I realize that? His heart was always by my side protecting me! Why didn’t I realize that he loved me this much? I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach. That was the last doll. The one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. I recognized the voice that I was missing so much.

“Jo… Do you know what day is today? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… Since I was too shy… If you will forgive me and take this doll, I will say I love you everyday till I die… Jo… I love you…”

The tears came flowing out of my eyes. Why? Why? I asked god. Why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side but he loved me until his last minute…

For that reason… To me… It became courage… To live a beautiful life.

If you love someone, let him/her know. Live a life bravely and truthfully and you will have no regrets.

White Lies

I studied medicine in a famous university. Since my parents couldn’t afford the expensive tuition fees, I had to work in a restaurant as a waitress.

That was how I met Troy, the owner of the restaurant. He’s a devilishly handsome guy and a very young multimillionaire. After several months, I realized two things. The first one is I enjoyed my work very much. The second one is that I’m madly in love with my boss with all my heart and I love him more than anyone else.

My heart skips a beat when he lays his eyes on me. His sweet little words gently touch my heart from within. The most wonderful thing that ever happened in my life was when he approached me to tell me he loves me too. That was when I realized that the guy I secretly love feels the same way as I do!

It was a perfect relationship. Even though I feel awkward every time he’s with me, I’m very happy because it’s a dream come true.

After a year, we still longed for each other in our relationship. Our feelings were the same as before. However one day, I noticed he became uncomfortable with us. I asked him why.

He looks into my eyes directly and says those words. Those words which broke my heart into pieces. He’s breaking up with me. He told me that I’m the biggest mistake in his life and I’m not suited to have a relationship with him. He went on further to say that I’m just a low prize girl that seeks a rich guy to change my social status to solve my financial problems.

I felt numbed. Maybe it was due to the tears that flow ceaselessly from my eyes. I turned my back to him and ran away. I reached home with a strange feeling. I felt pity for myself and anger at the same time. As I lay on my bed, I promise myself not to love him anymore. That night, I tried not to think of him anymore and to forget him indefinitely. But how? I couldn’t even stop myself from crying.

Many days, months and years passed rapidly. I was sitting comfortably in my swivel chair when my secretary gently tapped me. She told me that I need to visit my new patient in Room 207.

Yes, I’m now a successful and a famous doctor. I have my own house, cars and everything that I did not have before. After suffering for the last few years, I finally managed to attain my goals. However, I know that I’m not completely happy because even time couldn’t heal the big wound in my heart. A wound that only one guy can cure.

As I reached the room, my heart skipped a beat. I know that patient personally. I know the thin and pale man lying on the bed. It’s Troy! He’s the man whom I still love even though he dumped and hurt me. He was also the same man who is the reason for my eagerness to succeed.

I called his name softly. Even though his eyes were closed, there was a single tear drop in his eye. It was a sign indicating that he knows that I’m here. I picked up the letter beside him. As I read the letter, my tears began to fall…

Hey baby,

I might not be awake when you’re reading this either due to my illness or maybe I’m already not around. I just want to say sorry because I lied. What I’ve told you in our last talk is definitely not true. That was the day I found out that I was struck by cancer. I didn’t want to let you know. I didn’t want you to worry for me.

I want to let you know that if my life would to start all over again, you’re still the one I’m going to pick.

However, since I’m dying, I promise you that I will love you until my last breath…

Troy

He was pronounced dead as I finished reading.

When Friendship Turns to Love

I didn't want to depart my home town, which I've been settling ever since the day I was born. Neither do I want to leave my school, relatives, and most importantly my best friend Samuel.

Sam and I had been best friends since elementary school. I still recall the day when we first met; it was the first day of grade 1 and we were in the same class. Unintentionally I collided with his head trying to reach for my pencil that had been knocked out on the floor. Fortunately I didn’t know that he was trying to reach for it too. From that time on we got close, share lunch, talk and became best friends. We’d hang around together as often as I’d hang around with my family. He’s like my brother; a brother who I could lean to when I have problems, a brother who’s always there for me when I’m in trouble, a brother who loved me for me… at least as his little brother. What he didn’t know is that I am deeply in love with him ever since the day we first met; which saddens me the most, assuming that he only thinks of me as his sister.

In sixth grade, in spite of this, things changed. We had been together for 5 implausible years, but this year is diverse. I was moving. Moving far away from him, it’s like a new world I’m getting myself into. My deep profoundness love for him is still there and I don’t want to leave him. We agreed to call each other at least twice a week, send letters and emails if we have time, and stay in touch with each other. Except that, it wouldn’t be the same, it wouldn’t be like old times, we wouldn’t see each other except in pictures, we couldn’t do anything together now. We couldn’t be there for each other, all the time anymore. Furthermore we are two continents away from each other. And I wanted to confess. Tomorrow, I decided.

The day of the departure came but he was nowhere in sight. I tried calling his cell but no one was answering it. I was so worried and sad that he forgot about my departure. I left the our town heartbroken and thinking that maybe he had a good excuse why he didn’t go.

One year had passed and still no sign of him. I tried calling his home every once in a while but his mother would always say, “Oh he’s not here, but I’ll tell him you called!” and I would be so depressed. Sometimes I just think that he’s been avoiding my calls. But why I wondered

I was going off to college. I hadn’t been getting any emails or letters from him; or hadn’t been getting any at all. I tried to tell myself that, “Its okay Carl, he’s just busy that’s all.” However I had my doubts. What if he’s not busy at all? What if he forgot about me? What if he got a girlfriend and been too busy to talk or even stay in touch with me? A lot of what ifs’ are on my head. I tried emailing him and writing letters but there was no reply. What if all my what ifs’ came true? Then maybe I should be pleased, pleased for the reason that he’s happy. On the contrary why didn’t he tell me?

2 years had passed and still no sign of his letters or emails or phone calls. I tried to get over him. I really tried but I can’t. I just couldn’t forget the fact that I love him.

One week later, I received a letter from his home address, accusing it was him I ripped it open. I was so anxious to read his letter that I skipped a couple of parts, that I thought wasn’t that important. Unfortunately, it is important. It says that he’s sick and is in a coma. I was so shocked to see this that I ran inside to tell my parents to get me a ticket back to see him. Luckily they approved and booked me the latest flight.

I preceded to the hospital his in. I was so worried to see him, concerned that he’s undergoing from a poor health. When I got in his room my heart raised and kept thumping on my chest. I noticed him lying there with bandages all over his body. I felt sorry for him. All this time I was blaming him of overlooking me while his being diagnosed. I had a talk with his mom and she told me what had happened to him. She assumed that he was crossing the street while he was writing in a book and a truck had hit him. That book was sadly addressed to me, it has no title its cover is blank. I opened it and started reading the first page.

September 17, 2001

“This is the day I left.” I thought.

Carl left today. I’m so upset to see her leave. That’s why I didn’t go to the airport at all. But I tried to go realizing that I had to confess my love for her before she leaves but I was too late. I’m going to miss her so bad. All the good times we had will never be forgotten. I wish I could come with her. I love her so very much.

My tears started falling. I admired him. I was in awe. He made a diary for me starting with the day I left. And what mostly saddened me is the fact that he loved me too. I scanned through pages and read the last page he had written on.

March 26, 2001

I can’t wait for Carl to see what I had done for him. I hope he’ll like it. I just miss her so bad. I wish he was here right now in my arms holding me tight and wishing he wouldn’t be away anymo ---

And it was cut right there. I couldn’t imagine the scene how it happened. I saw a glimpse of him again and a tear fell on my cheeks. I hold his hand so tight. That time I had wished that I hadn’t left and be with him throughout this tough time. There was this throb in my chest. I scanned again and all the other pages are blank. A letter dropped when I was about to close it.

Dear Carl,

If you are done reading my diary I want you to fill out the other half of this book. I miss you so bad, Carl. I’m sorry if I keep missing your calls I was just too busy with work. Yeah, Carl I’m working now so I could surprise you and go there and maybe finish my school there. I can’t wait to see you soon. I’m also sorry that it took me 2 years to get this to you its just that I didn’t know your address there and I had to look for your relatives to tell me your address, and about the email thing I tried to email you back but our computer is really messed up; I ought to get the fix sometime so I could email you. I’m really sorry if you thought that I don’t care about you, I do. I really do. I love you since the first day we met it’s just that I was too scared to confess because it might ruin our friendship and that I think that you only think of me as a brother. I love you Kath, I love you with all my heart and I’m sacrificing everything just to be with you.

With Love,
Sam

By the time I was done reading his letter. I heard a beep it was coming from him. I was stunned. I dropped the book and ran towards him and started calling the nurse.

“Stay with me please, stay with me… don’t leave me please. I can’t let you leave me. Please. I. Love. You.” I cried as the tears fell. I was shaking. I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t want him to leave me. I want him to be here by my side comforting me, and telling me that it was all a joke. But it’s not a joke. It’s reality. He’s dead and here I am living my life through pages in the diary. I filled the rest of the book. I even started a new book since it couldn’t hold all my memories and thoughts of him. And I will always remember him. How he had been a good friend. How he helped me through bad times. How he loved me so much that I didn’t want to let go. I will not forget him. He had been the best inspiration of my life. He is the best of friend anyone could ever have. I will not forget him. I love him.

“C’mon Carl, were going to be late for school!” Mark shouted through our front door. Mark had been my friend since the day I first came to his school. He had been a good friend, almost as good as Sam. He kind of reminds me of Sam. Sometimes when I'm with Mark, I kind of think that Sam sent him to guide me and to be with me just like he did for me when he was alive.!” I shouted back. This is a fresh new start and a beginning of an ideal friendship. Or so I thought.

The Strongest Weak Heart (Christmas Special)

             “Merry Christhmas”, ang huli kong nasabi ko habang nararamdaman ko ang pag agos ng luha ko habang nakatingin ako sa mukha ni Gino.

            Matagal na kaming nagsasama ni Gino. Mag apat na taon na din. Kung ano ang hinahanap ko na pag ibig sa isang pamilya ay sakanya ko nahanap. Don’t get me wrong. May pamilya ako at hindi ako isang ulila. Ngunit simula nung malaman nila ang kasarian ko at naging kami ni Gino ay naramdaman ko ang mas panlalamig sa akin ng pamilya. Ramdam ko na hindi nila gaano tanggap o maintindihan ang aking kasarian. Pero wala akong paki. Hindi naman kasi kami close talagang pamilya. Lagi kasi naman lang napapansin ang kapatid kong babae, si Lara. Bukod kasi sa kagandahan nya ay ubod sya ng talino. Habang ako, hindi naman talaga mahina ang utak. Karaniwan lamang ako. Though nakakakuha ako ng honors sa school, mas matataas naman ang awards ng ate ko. She even graduated valedictorian nung highschool at Cum laude nung College. Achiever talaga sya. Ito ang dahilan kaya lagi akong nakukumpara sa Ate Lara ko. At isa pa ay nagkaroon kami ng malaking away ng ate ko kaya di rin talaga kami magkasundo hanggang ngayon. Sa Daddy ko naman, isa syang opisyal sa militar, kaya galit sa bakla. Kahit pa sabihin natin na isa akong bisexual dahil nagka girlfriend naman ako noon ay dahil sa pagkakaroon ko ng relasyon sa kapwa lalake, tingin nya pa rin sa akin ay isang bakla. Ang Mommy ko naman, ay medyo naging mailap din. Takot kasi yun kay Daddy. Actually, lahat kami.

            Ako nga pala si Jake, 23 taon gulang, maputi, may hubog ang katawan dahil sa pag ggym, at may kakayanan sa buhay. Sa ngayon, si Gino ang tanging kinikilala kong pamilya. He makes my everyday perfect kahit pa ganto ang aking sitwasyon. He never fails to put a smile on my face kahit pa anong pinagdadaanan ko o ano mang problema ang meron ako. Napakagaling nya sa pag aadvice at pagencourage sakin. Kaya naman sa twing nanghihina ang loob ko, hindi ako nangangamba dahil alam kong andyan lang sya para sa akin.

            Si Gino ay kasing edad ko din lang. Sa totoo lang, childhood bestfriends turned lovers kami. Nakakatawa nga kasi dati, sakanya ako nanghihingi ng mga advice sa mga ex lovers ko. But then, I ended up falling for him. Little did I know na ganun din pala sya sa akin. And that was the start of our happy days. Si Gino ay isang intelihenteng tao, scholar sa school, gwapo, makinis at higit sa lahat ay mapungay ang mga mata na sa twing titingin sya sayo ay mas nahuhumaling ka. He always had this warm glare and gentle smile na talaga naman nakakatunaw. He is the very description of a perfect partner. Isa lang ang problema. He has a weak heart. Ever since na nadiagnose sya with a certain heart ailment, unti- unti din napapansin ang pagbabago sakanyang pangangatawan. Panahon na lang ang hinihintay namin bago sya tuluyang lumisan. One year? One month? One day? Who knows……..

            “Nakasimangot nanaman ang mahal ko.”, nakangiting sabi sakin ni Gino.

            “Bwisit kasi sa bahay! Ako nanaman ang nakita! Alam mo bem, isanag araw, lalayas na talaga ako sa bahay!!”, galit kong sabi.

            “Ikaw talaga, halika nga dito. Sabi ko naman sayo, they only want the best for you. Walang magulang na gugustuhin na mapasama ang kanilang mga anak.”, sabay yakap nya sakin galing sa likod at pilit na pinalalamig ang ulo ko.

            “Bem? BEST?! By comparing me to my sister?! Kelan pa naging tama ang magkumpara ka ng dalawang tao?!”, galit kong pagmamaktol.

            “Sabihin na natin di maganda ang way nila, pero bem, take it as a challenge to yourself na rin. Wag kang magtanim ng sama ng loob sakanila dahil pamilya mo sila.”, mahinahon nyang sagot.

            “Pamilya? Ni hindi ko nga maramdaman na pamilya kami!”

            “Mahal kong Jake, your family loves you as much as I do. Trust me. Love mo ko diba?”, paglalambing nya. Eto na, naglambing na sya. Namungay nanaman ang mga mata nya. Nawala tuloy bigla ang init ng ulo ko.

            “Mahal na mahal….”, nakangiti kong sabi. Ramdam ko ang biglang pagkalma ko lalo na nakayakap sakin si Gino habang nakatitig ang kanyang pamumungay na mata.

            “Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!”, biglang pag ubo ni Gino.

            “Oh, are you ok? Sabi ko naman kasi sayo, magpahinga ka diba? Uminom ka na ba ng gamot mo? Ayos ka lang ba?”, pag aalala kong paguusisa. Sabay kuskos sa likod ni Gino.

            “Ito naman. Para ubo lang. Nasamid lang ako sa paglunok ko. Huwag ka nga masyado mag alala dyan.”, pilt nyang ngiti sakin. Alam ko sa sarili kong may nararamdaman na talaga syang hindi maganda. Pero pilit nyang itinatago ito sa harap ko.

            “Paano ako hindi magaalala! Gino naman……”

            “Hay nako mahal ko.. Dito ka nga sa tabi ko at makayakap sayo. Higa muna tayo.”, pagaaya nya sakin.

            Nakatingin ako sa paligid ng kwarto ni Gino habang magkayakap kami. Ito ang pinaka naging comfort zone ko simula bata pa lang ako. Sa twing may hinain ako ay kay Gino ko sinasabi ang lahat. Mga accomplishments, disappointments, lahat lahat.  Hanggang sa napatingin ako kay Gino. Nakapikit lang ito habang nakayakap sa akin. Bigla akong natakot dahil naisip ko, paano pag dumating ang araw na hindi na muling dumilat ang mga matang nasa harap ko? Hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakayanin yun. Sya ang naging saksi sa lahat lahat at kabuuan ng aking pagkatao. Kung mawawala sya ay mas nanaisin ko na mawala na lang din ako. Naramdaman ko na lang ang pagtulo ng luha ko. Hanggang sa napapikit na lang din ako. Ayaw ko munang isipin. Ayaw kong isipin. Hanggang sa naramdaman ko na lang ang paghalik ni Gino sa mga mata ko. Pagmulat ko ay nakita ko si Gino na nakatingin sakin.

            “Natatakot ka ba mawala ako?”

            Luha lang ang naisagot ko. Naramdaman ko na tuloy tuloy ng umaagos ang mga luha ko. Naramdaman ko din ang pagdampi ng labi ni Gino sa akin. Mas humigpit naman ang yakap naming sa isa’t isa. Ako lang siguro ang kaisa isang tao na ayaw magkaron ng bukas. Para hindi na matapos ang isang araw ng masigurado kong hindi lilipas ang panahon para sa mahal kong si Gino…

            “Polvoron?”, nakangiting alok ni Gino kahit pa may luha pa rin sakanyang mga mata.

            “Salamat.”, tanging naitugon ko. Alam kasi ni Gino na ispesyal sa akin ang polvoron. Nung bata pa kasi ako, naniniwala ako na may magic ito at pag kumain ka nito ay mawawala ang kahit anong lungkot at sakit na nararamdaman mo..

            Naging madalas ang pagbisita ni Gino sa bahay namin kahit pa pinipilit ko na ako na lamang ang pupunta sakanila para hindi nya na kailanganin pang lumabas. At isa pa ay ayaw ko din sya sa bahay. Kahit pa hindi naman sya ganoong minamata ng aking pamilya dahil na rin sa bata pa lang sya ay pumupunta na sya dito sa bahay, ay ramdam ko pa rin ang mga matang nakatitig palagi sa amin. Alam kong hinuhusgahan pa rin nila kami. Pffff.. Kahit pa sa gantong sitwasyon ni Gino ay di man lang nila pinalagpas.

            Isang araw, bwan ng Nobyembre, ay bigla akong niyaya ni Gino na magpunta sa Enchanted Kingdom. Dito din kasi ang unang date naming nuong nagliligawan pa lang kami. Agad naman akong pumayag ngunit..

            “Ano?! Kasama si Ate Lara?!”, maktol ko kay Gino.

            “Oo mahal ko. Gusto ko lang makasama si Ate Lara uli. Matagal na panahon na simula nung nakasama ko syang lumabas. Ang huli ay bago naging tayo. Namimis ko na rin kasi sya.”, mahinahon na paliwanag ni Gino sa akin. Wala naman akong nagawa. Kaya pinilit ko ang Ate Lara ko na sumama kahit alam kong tatanggi sya. Pero for some reason, napapayag ko sya. Bored din daw sya sa bahay at tsaka isa pa ay ako naman ang taya.

            Nasa byahe kami at tahimik ang lahat. Habang nagddrive ako ay nakaupo lang sa tabi ko si Gino, nakatingiin sa paligid at sa mga taong nadadaanan namin. Si Ate Lara naman ay nasa likod lang at nakikinig ng music sakanya ipod. Naging maayos naman ang byahe naman at maya maya pa’y nakarating na kami.

            Pagkadating na pagkadating ay tinanong ko agad si Gino kung ayos lang ba ang pakiramdam nya. Medyo malayo din ang naging byahe namin. Gusto kong siguraduhin na okay sya bago kami pumasok dahil siguradong mapapagod kami sa loob dahil sa kakalakad at kung sakaling sasakay kami ng mga rides.

            Una kaming sumakay sa Carousel. Kahit pa malalaki na kami ay pumila kami. Halos puro mga bata ang nakapila pero pinilit kami ni Gino na dun muna sumakay. Maya maya ay kami na ang sasakay.

            Bakas sa mukha ni Gino ang tuwa. Animo’y bata din sya na ngayon lang nakasakay sa Carousel. Titingin tingin pa sya sa paligid at minsan ay tumatayo tayo pa sa kabayong sinasakyan nya. Nakakatuwang pagmasdan.

            “Ate Lara, naalala mo ba yung iniwan natin si Jake at tayo lang ang sumakay ng Carousel nung minsan magpunta tayo sa peryahan?”, tanong ni Gino kay Ate Lara. Natahimik si Ate Lara. Ngunit kapansin pansin din ang biglaan nyang pag ngiti. Inaalala ang nangyari nung araw na yun.

            “Oo naman. Iyak ng iyak si Jake kasi hindi natin sya sinama. Hahahaha!”, masigasig na tugon ni Ate Lara. Aaminin ko, medyo nagulat ako. Dahil after a long time ay narinig ko ulit syang tumawa at nakita ko syang masaya.

            “Nakakatuwa pa rin ang tawa mo Ate Lara. Parang walang kaproble problema.”, ngiting tugon ni Gino kay Ate Lara. Napansin kong napatingin sakin si Ate Lara sabay biglang alis ng kanyang mga ngiti at balik sa suplada nyang mukha.

            Kung saan saan kami sumakay. Pero sa bawat sakay namin ay sinisigurado kong okay si Gino. Ayoko may masaman mangyari sakanya. Ngayon pang papalapit na ang pasko. Ito rin kasi ang araw na naging kami ni Gino.

            Masaya ang paglalakad namin at pagsakay sa mga rides. Parang bumalik kami sa panahon na mga bata kami at nasa peryahan. At sa paglalakad namin ay napadaan kami sa roller coaster.

            “Ate Lara, diba sabi mo, gustong gusto mo sumakay dyan kaso takot din ang mga kaibigan mo at ayaw ka din naman samahan ni Jake?”, pilyong ngiti ni Gino.

            “Mahal, hindi pwede dyan. Delikado yan para sayo. Alam mo namang….”, pagtanggi ko.

            “Alam kong yan din ang sinabi mo nung unang beses kitang niyaya na sumakay. Sapilitan pa kitang napasakay. Okay lang ako. Gusto ko lang din talaga sumakay..”, ngiting sabi ni Gino sabay pagpupungay nya ng mga mata. Naloko na! Wala nanaman akong nagawa kundi pumayag.

            “Oh sige, hihintayin ko kayo dito sa may food court. Total, kaharap lang naman.”, sabay yakap naman sakin ni Gino dahil sa pagpayag ko sa gusto nya.

            Habang nakaupo ako sa may food court ay naalala ko ang lahat lahat sa amin ni Gino. Ang first date namin dito, ang first anniversary namin sa beach, ang mga masasayang monthsary sa mga restaurant o kaya naman ang pagluluto naming dalawa para mas masaya, at kungg minsan, ay cinecelebrate naming sa hospital dahil bigla syang isinusugod.

            Maya maya ay nakita kong naglalakad na papuntang food court si Gino at si Ate Lara kaya agad naman ako naglakad para salubungin sila. Gusto ko muna icheck kung okay lang ba si Gino. Pero medyo nagulat ako dahil nakita kong tulala si Ate Lara at medyo naluluha luha ang mata habang nakatingin sakin. Hindi ko alam, nasobrahan ba to sa shock kaya nagkaganto? Naramdaman ko na lang na bigla nya akong niyakap na sadya ko namang ikinagulat ng sobra.

            “A-a-ate? Ok ka lang?”, utal kong sabi.

            “Huh.. Oo, natakot lang talaga ako sa roller coaster. Akala ko kasi mahuhulog ako galing sa taas. Pasensya na.”, sagot ni Ate habang nakayakap sya sakin. Naramdaman ko din ang pag iyak nya.

            “Ate, ok lang yan. Atleast, nakasakay ka na diba?”, nakita ko naman si Gino na nakangiti lang sa amin.

            Pagtapos ng sandaling yun ay alam kong may nagbago. Hindi man gaano kahalata. Pero ngayon, ikinagugulat ko ang pagkatok ni Ate sa kwarto ko at pagyaya sakin pag kakain na kami. Medyo naninibago talaga ako. Ngunit hindi lang yun ang nagbago, pati ang pakikitungo sakin ng lahat sa bahay ay nag iba. Hindi na ganoon kasungit ang Daddy sakin. Si Mommy naman ay tinatanong ako kung may gusto ba kong ulamin. At si Ate naman ay nakikinood sa akin twing nanonood kami ng dvd ni Gino sa entertainment room namin na hindi naman nya ginagawa noon. Hindi ko na rin masyado nararamdaman ang pagmamata sa amin ni Gino hindi tulad dati. Dahil kaya ito sa lumalalang sitwasyon ni Gino? Kaya naawa sila at nagpapakitang tao sa amin?

            Isang araw bago magpasko. Umaga pa lang ay nakahiga kami sa kwarto ni Gino at nagkwekwentuhan habang magkahawak ang aming mga kamay. Sinasariwa namin ang lahat ng alaala na nagdaaan samin. Hindi lang as lovers, pero as bestfriends. Mga kalokohan at mga problemang napagdaanan naming. Mga masasayang sandal at mga panahon na gusto naming ibaon sa limot. Bigla akong napatingin kay Gino. Medyo namumutla na talaga ang ichura nya. Ito yung mga sandali kung saan gustong gusto kong itigil ang oras at iniisip ko nanaman n asana wag na dumating ang bukas. Sana ganto na lang.. Para hindi na ko mangangamba na mawala pa sakin si Gino.. Ang taong minamahal ko ng buong puso.

            “Bem.. pwede mo ba ko ikuha ng tubig? Nauuhaw kasi ako. Hindi ako makatayo.”, nakangiti pa ring sabi ni Gino kahit bakas sakanyang mukha ang paghihirap. Tumango lang ako kahit naramdaman ko ang biglaang pagpatak ng luha ko. Agad akong pumunta sa kusina at kumuha ng tubig. Ngunit pagbalik ko, nakita ko si Gino na hindi kumikilos at halata ang hirap nya sa paghinga. Nagpanic naman ako kaya agad kong tinawag ang Mommy nya at dinala namin sya sa hospital.

            Pagdating na pagdating namin sa hospital ay agad pinasok sa emergency room si Gino. Habang ako naman ay hindi mapakali. Nararamdaman kong gumuguho ang kinakatayuan ko sa sobrang gulo ng utak ko. Maya maya ay lumabas ang doctor at umiling ito. Dinala na lang daw nila si Gino sa isang kwarto at oras na lang ang hihintayin bago tuluyang umalis si Gino. Napatingin ako sa mommy ni Gino, umiiyak ito at may kausap sa cellphone.

            Tuliro akong napaupo sa sahig. Biglang nablanko ang utak ko. Gusto kong umiyak pero walang mga luhang tumutulo. Tinatanggi ko kasi sa isipan ko ang mga nangyayari. Okay lang si Gino. Isa lang to sa mga attacks nya. Hindi pwede ngayon. Mag papasko na mamaya, 4^th year anniversary din namin. Magiging okay siya. Alam ko. Magiging Okay siya. Hanggang sa di ko namalayan na umiiyak nap ala ako. Hindi ko alam kung kelan tumulo ang mga luha ko. Pero parang biglang nagsink in sakin lahat ng mga nangyayari. Unang pumasok sa alaala ko ay ang ngiti ni Gino. Kailangan ko makita ang ngiting yun. Natataranta ako. Dyos ko po! Wag muna…

            Agad kong tinakbo ang chapel ng hospital. Dito ko binuhos ang luha ko. Nagmaka awa ako  sa harap ng Panginoon na wag muna. I was willing to give my life para lang ma extend ang buhay  nya kahit isang araw pa. Huwag muna ngayon. Hanggang sa naramdaman ko na lang ang isang kamay sa balikat ko.

            “Mommy………”, bigla kong yakap sa aking Mommy. Kasama nya din si Daddy at si Ate Lara. Niyakap din ako ni Daddy at ni Ate Lara.

            “Anak, hindi ko alam na ganto ka palang nasasaktan na. Araw araw mo itong pinagdadaanan. Ang takot na mawala si Gino. Pero mas pinili kong pairalin ang galit ko. Ang galit ko sa mga bakla. Ayaw ko kasing malihis ka ng daan. Gusto ko magkaroon ng sarili mong pamilya balang araw. Pero ng kausapin ako ni Gino ay parang bigla akong namulat. Ako dapat ang unang sumuporta sayo. Hindi si Gino. Ako ang ama mo at kami ang pamilya mo, per okay Gino mo nahanap ang dapat na sa amin mo nakuhang appreciation. Ngayon ko naiintindihan ang lahat.”, sabi ni Daddy sabay hawak sa aking mga kamay.

            “Anak, naaalala mo ba nung maliit ka pa? Sa twing natatakot ka o nalulungkot ka ay gusto mong hinahawakan ko ang kamay mo dahil lage kong sinasabi sayong isusumbong ko sa military ang kung ano mang dahilan ng kalungkutan mo. Heto anak ang kamay ulit ni Daddy, at ngayon hinding hindi na bibitaw ang Daddy.”, naluhang sabi ni Daddy. Bigla ko namang naramdaman ang pagyakap sakin ni Ate Lara.

            “Jake, I’m so sorry… Naaalala mo ba yung bumaba kami galing sa roller coaster ni Gino. I hated you for the wrong reason. Sinabi kasi sakin ni Gino ang dahilan ng pinagawayan natin noon. Nung bigla mongg pinalayas ang boyfriend ko at kinasahan ng baril pag nakita mo pa syang umapak sa bahay. Nagalit ako sayo noon dahil akala ko ay binastos mo sya. Yun pala, ayon sa sabi ni Gino ay nakita nyo si Arvin minsan sa isang bar na may kahalikang ibang babae. Kaya pala ganun na lang ang galit mo kay Arvin. I’m so sorry hindi ako naging mabuting Ate sayo. Ako dapat ang nagaalaga sayo bilang nakakatanda pero ako pa pala ang iniisip mo. I’m so sorry Jake……”

            Wala akong nasabi kahit isang salita. Nagiiyak lang ako. Kaya pala nagbago ang pakikitungo sa akin ng aking pamilya. Lahat pala ay dahil kay Gino. Totoo pala ang sinabi nya. Na mahal ako ng pamilya ko. Naalala ko bigla ang mga ngiti ni Gino na sya namang lalo kong kinaiyak.

            Pagtapos n gaming paguusap sa chapel ay tinungo na naming ang kwarto kung asan si Gino. Halatang halata sa kanyang mukha ang paghihirap. Alam kong anu mang sandal, mawawala na sya sa amin. At dadating na ang kinakatakutan ko. Ang hindi na muling pagmulat ni Gino. Agad akong nagtungo sa tabi nya at hinawakan ang kamay nya. Dahan dahan itong dumilat at tumingin sakin.

            “B-bem-bbem.. M-ma-hal na m-ahal k-ita. T-an-daan m-mo y-ung s-si-nabi k-ko s-sayo ha. I l-love y-ou so m-uch.”, nakangiti nyang sabi habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko napigil ang aking emosyon at hinayaan ko lang umagos ang mga luha ko. Sumenyas naman sya sa akin na lumapit at dahan dahang hinalikan ang mga labi ko. Pagkalas ko ay kita ko naman ang sobrang paghihirap sa kanyang mukha.

            “Mahal kong Gino. Pahinga ka na. Kung pagod ka na. Pahinga ka na. Huwag mo na kami isipin. Pahinga ka na mahal ko. Mahal na mahal kita. At di ko malilimutan ang lahat ng sinabi mo. I love you. I love you so much mahal kong Gino.”, hirap na hirap kong sinabi.

            Nakita kong tumingin si Gino sa wall clock ng kwarto. 12: 03. Sabay tingin nya ulit sakin.

            “M-me-rry C-Christ-mas.. H-ha-ppy 4^th y-ear a-an-nipv-ver-sa-ry. I l-love y-ou so m-uch..”, nakangiti nyang sabi sakin.

            “Merry Christhmas. Happy 4^th year anniversary. I love you so much mahal kong Gino.”, ang huli kong nasabi ko habang nararamdaman ko ang pag agos ng luha ko habang nakatingin ako sa mukha ni Gino. Hanggang sa nagbigay ito ng huling pisil sa mga kamay ko. Agad naman akong humalik sakanya at gusto kong hulihin ang huling hininga nya. Hanggang sa iyakan na ang narinig ko sa buong kwarto.

            Nakayakap ako kay Gino habang inaaalala ang lahat ng aming nakaraan. Hindi ko alam na magiging ganto pala kasakit ang sandaling ito. Araw araw ko mang pinaghandaan ay hindi ko pa rin pala kaya. Ngayon, ang lahat ng kay Gino ay isang magandang alaala na lamang. Hindi, isa syang parte ng pagkatao ko. Binigay nya sa akin ang lahat ng kanya. At ibinalik nya pa sakin ang dati kong nawala, ang aking pamilya.

            Sunod kong namalayan ay nasa loob ako ng aking kwarto at nagbibihis para sa lamay ni Gino. Nakaupo ako sa aking kama at nakaharap sa salamin. Hindi pa rin makapaniwala sa mga nangyayari. Sa biglaang pagkawala ni Gino. Ngayon pang araw ng pasko at 4^th anniversary naming. Kung dati ay buong galak naming sinasalubng ang araw na ito, ngayon, ni hindi ko alam kung saan at paano magsisimula ngayong wala na sya. Naramdaman ko na pumatak muli ang luha mula sa aking mga mata. Kinakain ako ng sakit at kalungkutan. Nang biglang may kumatok at pumasok.. Si Mommy.

            “Anak……”, agad nyang bungad at abog sa akin ng isang plastic. Agad ko itong binuksan. Ngunit pagbukas ko ay mas lalong umagos ang mga luha ko. Isang plastic bag ng polvoron. May inabot ding sulat sa akin si Mommy. Binuksan ko agad at ito ang nilalaman..

            “Dear Mahal kong Jake,

                        By the time na mabasa mo ito ay nangangahulugan lang na wala na ako. Noon, natatakot akong mawala at dumating ang araw na mabasa mo ito. Pero I guess, wala tayong control sa sitwasyon.

                        Sabin g Doctor ay nalalapit na daw ang oras ko. Kanina, paguwi natin galing sa hospital ay sobra akong natakot. Hindi dahil sa alam kong mamatay na ko.. Kundi dahil natatakot ako at nalulungkot dahil narealize ko, sa sumpaang ginawa nating dalawa ay ako ang sisira. Ako ang unang mangiiwan. Napakasakit dahil ang dami ko pang gustong gawin kasama ka. Pero masaya na rin ako, dahil minsan sa buhay ko, naramdaman ko ang magmahal at mahalin.

                        Ginawa naming itong polvoron na to ng minsang dumalaw ako sayo. Kaso inutusan ka daw ni Tita kaya hindi mo alam. Minabuti ko na rin na wag muna sabihin. Dahil magiging sakto ito sa oras na to. Natatandaan mo ba nung sinabi mo nung bata pa tayo? Na pag kumain ka ng polvoron ay may magic ito? Na lahat ng kalungkutan at problema mo ay mawawala? Kaya ginawa ka naming ng sangkaterbang polvoron. Wala na kasi ako para making at punasan ang mga tutulo mong luha.

                        Nakausap ko na ang Tito at Tita. Alam kong tutol sila sa ating relasyon dahil na rin sa gusto nilang magkapamilya ka balang araw. Naiintindihan ko sila dun. Pero sinigurado ko sakanila na matutupad yun. Dahil alam naman nila na malapit na ang pag alis ko at sinabi ko sakanila na mas kakailanganin mo sila sa gantong panahon. Napaluha ako ng marealize din nila na malayo na ang loob nyo sa isa’t isa. Simula ngayon daw ay magbabago na ang lahat.

                        Ikaw talaga bem, hindi mo din pala talaga sinabi ang totoo kay Ate Lara about kay Arvin. Pasensya ka na kung sinabi ko sakanya nuong araw na sumakay kami sa roller coaster. Ginawa kong excuse ang pagsakay dun para makausap ko sya. Alam ko naman na mahal na mahal mo ang ate mo. Masyado ka lang pa macho kaya ayaw mo sabihin sakanya. Pasensya na ulit ha. Pero sigurado ko, magiging ayos na uli kayong magkapatid.

                        Bem, tulad ng sabi ko sayo, your family loves you as much as I do. Kaya kung mahal mo ako, ay mahalin mo sila. Huwag mong ilayo ang loob mo sakanila. Dahil ang bawat alaala na meron tayo ay ipamahagi mo sakanila. Ipakita mo ang naging resulta n gating pagmamahalan.

                        Bem, nararamdaman ko na malapit na ang panahon ko. Nararamdaman ko sa katawan ko na nanghihina na ako. Pero tulad ng pinangako ko, hihintayin nating sabay ang pasko, at syempre, ang anniversary natin. Pangako, aabot tayo..

                        Ito na ang mga huling katagang maiiwan ko sayo bem.. Sana pakaingatan at tandaan mo ang sasabihin ko..

                        Mahal kong Jake, kung bumigay man ang katawan ko ngunit ang puso at pagmamahal ko sayo ay hindi bibitiw. Mamahalin kita hanggang sa kabilang buhay. Kung saan man ako mapunta, sisiguraduhin ko na babantayan kita. I love you so much mahal ko.. I love you till the day after forever…..

                                                                                                Mahal mong Gino :)”

            Bumuhos ang aking luha kasabay ng agos ng damdamin ko. Npahawak ako sa aking mga labi at pilit na inaalala ang pakiramdam ng mga halik ni Gino. Napapikit ako. Sa aking isipan ay nakita ko ang mga ngiti ni Gino habang nakatingin sa akin ng may mapupungay na mata. Narealize ko na maaring namatay nga ang kanyang katawan, ngunit hindi ang alaala at pagibig nya. Mananatili sya sa aking puso habang buhay….

            “Anak, binilin yan sa akin ni Gino. Na kung dumating man ang iras na to ay ibigay ko ang polvoron at sulat na yan sayo. Anak, hindi ko alam na naniniwala ka pa rin pala sa sinabi ko na may magic ang mga polvoron. Bata ka pa noon nung una kong sinabi ko yun sayo. Hindi ko alam na dadalhin mo ito sa iyong paglaki. Pasensya ka na anak ha.. Hindi kita nasuportahan sa naging decision mo. Pero hayaan mong ang polvoron na ginawa naming ni Gino para sayo ang bumawi sa pagibig ko para sayo. I love you anak…”

            Napakayap lang ako kay Mommy at gumaan ang aking paramdam. Binigay ni Gino ang pinaka magandang regalo sa akin, ang kanyang pagmamahal at ang aking pamilya. Nakuha ko na ring patawarin ang aking pamilya. Napahalik lang ako sa aking Mommy. Kinuha naman nya ang kamay ko at niyaya na papunta sa lamay ni Gino.

            Hindi ko man alam kung paano pa haharapin ang bukas ngayong wala na si Gino. Pero alam kong lahat ng iniwan nyang aral sakin ay magagamit ko. Ang akala ko ay hinahanda ko ang sarili ko para sa sitwasyon na to, pero si Gino pala ang naghanda ng lahat para sakin. He really is the very definition of a perfect partner. Mapagmahal, mapagbigay, mapagintindi, lahat na ata na sakanya. He is the person with the strongest weak heart.

Chris

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. He called and said he was coming up. It was the third time he came up to see me that week. I carried his excuse of why he came all the way here and went to meet him at the nearby seven-eleven. He was standing there alone, carrying his green umbrella. His friend had dropped him off. It was raining and he was shivering. He looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep him warm.

I walked up to him and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
He said, "I miss you."
I told him coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."
He did not open up his umbrella, I knew he wanted to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."

Unwillingly, he opened up his umbrella and walked with me to the car. He said he hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, he asked me to take him to the train station, he said he would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and bags who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, he looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what he meant. I understand how he must have felt when he came all the way here in this kind of weather and I treated him like this. With hus soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let him stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to him coldly, "Let's go try waiting for a cab."

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only guy of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having lived together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After he graduated, he went back home and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see him on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. He was in front of me and I was right behind him. His umbrella had a broken spoke. He looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying his rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, he was too deep in thoughts and drifted off the road. He almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take him in my arms, but with the love I had for him and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we used to always go.

He begged and said, "Lets go in the park for just a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."

My cold heart softened at his pleas, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked into the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. He went to the big mango tree and he was looking for something. I knew he was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago.
If I remember it right, it said,

"Chris and John was here,
Chris had tea and John was drinking hot chocolate.
Hope Chris and John would always remember this day,
always loving each other, forever."

He was looking around for quite a while, then he came back slowly with tears on his face.
He said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before.
But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, while he simply stood there, not wanting to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance.
He said, "You made up the story of you and that other guy didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"
I didn't say a word, looked down and shook my head. After which, we just kept on walking towards the street to wait for a cab without saying a single word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until it came to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially John, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. John was still young, he shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to him. It was a cruel thing to do and it broke his heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years of feelings. I didn't have much time because I would soon start to loose hair and he would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding. This drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The rain had stopped pouring so I called a taxi for him. We were just standing there waiting, loosing our last moments in silence. I saw the taxi arriving from a distance.
I held my tears and said to him, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."
He didn't talk but simply nodded lightly and then opened up his misshaped umbrella and stepped out onto the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one green, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for him and he got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from him forever. I stood by the car, staring into the dark window at the first and last love in my life, walking out of my life. The car took off into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twisted lies in my heart any longer. I waved my arms rapidly and chased after the taxi, because I knew this would be the last time I see him. I wanted to tell him I still love him. I wanted to tell him to stay. I wanted to tell him so much. However, the taxi had already turned into the corner. Warm tears streamed down my face, blended together with the cold raindrops. I was cold not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

He left, and I didn't get anymore of his phone calls even until today. I know he didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that guy John, using my memory and his diary I found one year after he left, writing down these last words.

Apologies

It was first day of the mid-year exams and therefore I finished school a little earlier. I called him,

“Hey, I finished school earlier today, would you come by and pick me up?”

“Alright, give me five minutes.”

“Five minutes? But my school is just beside your house.”

“I need to get ready.”

“Alright, make it fast then.”
It was 2 p.m. in the afternoon and the sun was extremely hot. I stood under a shaded tree and fanned myself. Although it doesn't make much of a difference, I felt better with something to do while I wait.
After five minutes, he still hadn’t shown up. I felt a little unhappy as I looked at my watch.
Soon, five minutes turned to ten minutes and he's still not here. Did he meet with an accident on his way here? I started to become worried.
It was fifteen minutes later when he finally showed up.
“Why are you so late?”

He wasn't even a little bothered.

“I was watching T.V.”

“What?! T.V.?! Why don't you sleep, bathe and eat before you get me then?”
I was extremely angry and kept quiet as I didn't take the helmet he handed me. I stood there and stared at him.
“Sorry.”
This was the first time he said sorry to me. He is an egoistical person and had never apologized to his partner before. I looked at him and felt my heart softened. I decided it is alright since he apologized. I took the helmet and let him sent me home.
It was typical of him to avoid explanations, friction and quarrels between us. Since then, the only thing he ever does is to apologize when something is wrong. However in my opinion, some things can't be settled with an apology.
Despite that, I would never pursue a matter once he apologizes. He told me that was the first time he said sorry to a his partner before and while I felt that it takes courage to admit mistakes, he never once corrects his mistakes. Instead, I get the impression that sorry became a word to shut me up.
Tears flowed down my cheeks when he apologized to me again on the 59th time. I dropped my head and told him,
“Please don't bother to say sorry to me again. If you can never change your bad habits, don't let me keep giving you chances again and again, hoping and believing that you would change each time.”
He held me lightly and said the 60th sorry. Even with my outburst and his latest apology, he did not change for the better and there still wasn’t any explanation on his mistakes whatsoever.
I started to worry about the possibility that he was keeping something from me.
“What's wrong with you these few days?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why are you acting so strange?”

“I am not.”

“What can you say other than giving this reply?”

“Do you know I'm very worried and very insecure?”

“Do you treat me as your partner?”

“I'm sorry...”

“I don't want to hear you say sorry again.”
I clammed the phone down and he did not call me back. At that point of time, I felt that he didn't even care about me. Maybe we should just break up.
That was the 99th time he said sorry to me.
From that day onwards, I stopped calling and looking for him.
Sometimes, I would get an anonymous phone call. However every time I said hello, the phone will be cut off. I think he made those calls but I wondered why he didn’t speak up.
After a month, I couldn't contain the feelings I still have for him anymore and went to his school to look for him. I went to his classroom and looked around, but there was no sign of him.
“Excuse me, is Mark here today?”

“I'm afraid he stopped schooling.”

“Huh? Why? When was that?”

“He hasn't been in school for a month already.”

“Oh erm... Thanks.”
One month? He hasn’t been in school for one month. Why is that so? I stumbled home in confusion.
As soon as I got home I tried to contact him via his cell phone but all I got was, “The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area please try your call later.“

I tried calling his house instead but there was no answer. How can it be? Did his whole family migrate? It seemed as if he has disappeared off the face of the earth without leaving a single trace.
I couldn't find him and just as I was feeling distraught, my friend rang me up. He was one of his brothers and also my good friend.


“Hey, what have you been doing? Mark is in hospital.”

“Really? What Happened?”

“Oh he is at the Medical City hospital, the one you stayed in previously.”

“I'll be right there.”
I rushed off and when I reached the hospital, I saw that his parents were already there. I asked them for his room number and flew across the hall. He was lying on a bed looking at me. He didn’t speak a word nor moved a muscle.
Hey, what happened to you? Why didn't you contact me?”

He did not answer but stared without emotion at me.

“Come on answer me. Why don't you speak?”

A tear flowed down the side of his eye, and it looked as though he was summoning all his energy to mumble these words...

“I'm... Sorry...”

He shut his eyes after that.

“Hey, don't fool around alright. Why say sorry to me?”

“Don't say sorry to me. Please wake up. Please answer me…”
I fell down on the side of his bed and wept miserably. I pulled his shirt as I cried out...

“Why do you have to apologize? Why don't you give me an explanation instead?”

“I won't forgive you. Wake up! It is no use saying sorry...”

“I'll never ever forgive you in this lifetime if you don’t wake up. Please, I beg you to open your eyes.....”
That was the 100th sorry. A group of medical staff, doctors and nurses pulled me away and tried to revive him. I didn’t even have the strength to stand up. My mind was a blank.... My eyes could only see a sea of darkness...
He did not leave this world. I merely lost the chance to touch him. Sometimes, he will appear in my dreams and tell me how he is doing. He is still alive and accompanies me in my heart. He will still laugh at my silliness and call me his darling. It’s just that he will never apologize to me anymore.
After a month, his mom came to look for me and gave me a box. There were a hundred photographs inside. Everyone had a story behind them. It was the reason why he made me angry.
My dear, the first time I said sorry I did not purposely arrive late to pick you up. I know this excuse is really lame but I didn't have the heart to tell you the truth then. Before I stepped out of the house, I felt a pain in my chest but I still made it a point to meet you. Can you please forgive me?
My dear, the second time I said sorry I...
My dear, the third time I said sorry I...
My dear, the hundredth time I said sorry I didn't mean to leave you alone in this world. It had to be so because God did not give me the chance to say I Love You for this lifetime of mine and to put a ring on your finger...
You are the first guy I apologized to and also the first guy I want to be with for the rest of my life. Forgive me for not being able to bring you happiness but I will become your angel and always look out for you. I will look at you while you find your happiness. Please promise me not to shed a tear. I don't want to see you weep for me.
I Love You

~ Mark


How can I not cry? What you wanted was just impossible.
The last photograph showed him in the hospital. Although he was skinny, the smile on his face was as bright as ever. His face was pale and yet he tried his best to give his last smile on the last photo, the photo for the 100th apology.

At the time when he needed me the most, I wasn't with him. I'm sorry. I held the photo tightly and cried for us.